Celebrating Mother's Day: Building Lifelong Connections With Adult Children

This was our very first Mother''s Day episode.  I interview my two favorite moms -- Doria and Sharon, two mothers of adult daughters and now both have several grandchildren.  I watch as they continue to share with their grandchildren their magical parenting skills.

They share with us their wisdom on creating joyful, respectful relationships with grown children in this special Mother's Day episode. Their insights reveal how bringing a spirit of fun, maintaining connections across distances, and knowing when to offer advice (and when to bite your tongue) creates lasting bonds that evolve beautifully over time.

• Creating fun, joyful experiences forms lasting connections that continue into adulthood
• Modern technology like WhatsApp enables daily connection even with children living far away
• The best conversations focus on daily life details rather than major decisions or judgment
• Offering opinions rather than judgments by asking "What do you think?" after sharing your perspective
• Shifting from leader to supporter as children become adults requires patience and trust
• Wedding planning requires openness, support, and recognition that it's their special day
• Grandparenting brings immense joy while requiring respect for the new parents' choices
• The most important message to consistently convey is unconditional love and acce

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Mother's Day Special
• 2:26 Bringing Joy to Adult Child Relationships
• 7:00 Maintaining Connections From a Distance
• 13:45 What Might Drive Your Children Crazy
• 19:37 The Parenting Team: Spouses' Roles
• 24:23 [Ad] Higher Listenings: Joy for Educators
• 25:01 (Cont.) The Parenting Team: Spouses' Roles
• 25:32 Navigating Weddings with Adult Children
• 32:44 [Ad] Freedom to Learn
• 33:26 (Cont.) Navigating Weddings with Adult Children
• 37:33 The Art of Offering Advice
• 44:29 Wisdom on Grandparenting
• 50:03 Final Thoughts and Mother's Day Wishes

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:03

I have to start off by saying my mom is my best friend. However, we could not be more different. She's the exuberant outgoing idea gal and I grew up loving to go along with her shenanigans. I would describe myself as a more quiet, introverted and loyal follower. However, when I became a mom, what I really liked is how my mom clearly accepted me as an adult, making my own choices and respecting how I would like to parent my child. I became the leader. She became the loyal follower.

Speaker 2: 0:41

Welcome to the Mother's Day episode of the Bite your Tongue podcast. Today, we're celebrating mothers of adult children and we're adding a bit of surprise throughout the episode. Listen for messages interspersed throughout the episode from adult children to their parents. It should be fun, so let's get started. Welcome to the Mother's Day episode of Bite your Tongue. I guess Mother's Day should be one of those days we really don't have to bite our tongues, but I don't think that's the case Today. Ellen's unable to join me, so I'm on my own. Wish me luck.

Speaker 2: 1:20

For our last few episodes, we've interviewed experts in different fields to talk about parenting adult children. Today, for Mother's Day, I want to celebrate two mothers I've admired for many years. They are real parents of adult children who I believe we all can learn from. I didn't realize when I thought of them that they both are parents of just girls. One is a parent of four girls and one is a parent of three. So let me introduce them. Welcome to Doria, a parent of three girls. One is a parent of four girls and one is a parent of three. So let me introduce them. Welcome to Doria, a parent of three girls. Doria was actually my children's preschool teacher many moons ago and also a parent educator. Welcome, doria.

Speaker 3: 1:56

Thank you, Denise. I'm very honored to be here this morning.

Speaker 2: 2:01

And welcome to Sharon, who is a mother of two girls and one set of twin girls, so four all together.

Speaker 4: 2:07

Thanks, Denise, for asking me to participate. This is great.

Speaker 2: 2:12

I'm so excited to have both of you with me today. So thanks for agreeing to do this. And I know both of you are laypeople, so just your life experiences is what I'm hoping you'll share and I think it will be valuable to all of our listeners. So the reason I selected both of you is because when I'm with you, I feel joy. I see joy in your lives, I see joy with your families. Both of you bring a spirit of fun and joy to every meeting, every party. Even when I'm just hanging out in your homes, I feel as though this happiness and fun builds a great relationship with your adult kids.

Speaker 2: 2:49

If you agree, do you have any suggestions for our listeners who might not come by this happy spirit so easily, how they can more bring this joy when they're visiting or with their adult children? Literally, when I go visit my adult kids, I always think of both of you and I ask myself or say to myself be positive, denise, be happy, denise, bring joy, Denise. Don't ask too many questions, denise. So I just want to hear from both of you and you can just take turns how you bring this joy to every situation you're in. Don't be shy, go ahead, doria, you go first.

Speaker 3: 3:24

Well, parenting young children can be tough. I think that in my family we always tried to bring a little humor, lots of enthusiasm to get over the tense times, and the main thing was that we wanted our kids to feel safe and valued, but we also wanted to have fun, and I think that that kind of spirit carries through even into adult children.

Speaker 4: 3:54

Sharon how about you? I agree, I like to think our default position as a family is to have fun and laugh and eat together a lot. We spent a lot of time playing games, doing crafts, outdoor activities, and everybody was able to be involved at whatever level they were capable of, and this led to a lot of spilled glitter, a cardboard town on our front porch, all sorts of things that bring us back to not so much the messes we made or seeing them as messes, but how much fun we had doing them together.

Speaker 2: 4:34

But for someone like me, I bring more seriousness to situations and I'm always thinking about what I need to do and what questions I need to ask. How can I bring more joy to the situation? Do I talk to my kids beforehand about planning games, trying to bring that fun? Because it's true, when we do do games and puzzles and fun and laugh, it does make things more joyful. What do you think?

Speaker 3: 4:59

Well, I think you have to be present, and I know that sounds a bit trite sometimes, but really being present at this moment with your kids is the key, Because we all know you close your eyes and the next thing you know they are young adults. Day the dirty dishes will last, you know they'll still be there and just enjoy this moment, and it's not easy, you know. Trying to have that feeling and that spirit, I think, is the most important thing.

Speaker 4: 5:34

Yeah, you know, especially with the, with younger children, and lots and lots of hugs, lots and lots of encouragement in maybe not even the spoken word, but hugs and clapping and holding hands and that kind of thing, it still holds true. As adults too, they need hugs, we need hugs. They need, you know, a smile. We all need smiles these days because of the masks we're wearing so much. Those are the kinds of things that are really. They translate throughout our relationship and the times that we have together, you know.

Speaker 3: 6:11

Sharon. We have girls, and it might be different, denise, but I pull my girls onto my lap every time I see them because they're always your children. And you know, sometimes there's giggles and, but they love it, even though most of and you know, sometimes there's giggles and, but they love it, even though most of them all three of them are bigger than me. But pulling them onto your lap and just confirming that strong loving bond that you have is never gets old.

Speaker 2: 6:38

I think that's really special, dori, and I think you're really fortunate because you at least have two of them with you in Denver and Sharon has one. So both of you are lucky at least to have some of them around. I'm not so fortunate. Let's move on now.

Speaker 2: 6:53

Now, when your kids are young and they are living with you, we're entwined in their lives. But once they begin living on their own, they begin to have families or significant others of their own, or they move away. It becomes harder and harder to feel engaged in their life without feeling intrusive. Do you have any advice on how to create that bond if you can't pull them onto your lap or you can't just have them over for an afternoon to make dinner? Every visit with them is a formal affair. You're flying to see them, they're flying to see you, other than your chats on the phone. So sometimes, when I'm excited to see them, I think everything I need to ask them that I haven't asked them for so long, and then it starts into a question session and I try to avoid that. So how do you keep that bond alive, even when you're far apart?

Speaker 4: 7:47

bond alive even when you're far apart. Well before COVID, we purposefully organized things together trips, especially holidays. We now, with different families involved, with husbands, families and that sort of things, we try to work around at least one of the major holidays all together, but I still, you know, just send them little packages. And Chinese New Year is really important to me, so they always get something at Chinese New Year or Easter or even Thanksgiving and definitely their birthdays. So it's just something that keeps us connected and organizing something so we can look forward to being together. That's one of the things we do.

Speaker 3: 8:27

You know, I have to say God bless WhatsApp because I have a. We all remember well. I remember the days when phone calls were so expensive and they were such a hard thing to do. But I have a daughter who's been living in Europe for the past almost five years and we honestly talk every day. We just touch base with each other. We've memorized each other's schedules. I know what's going on with her, she knows what's going on with me. We feel so close.

Speaker 3: 8:59

Our family also has a running WhatsApp account that everyone comments on, sends pictures on, and so, although she lives so very far away, I feel like our connection is so relevant and so close, even though we've got those miles between us and my other two girls. I don't know if this is normal or not, but we talk every day too. How's your day? How are you feeling? What'd you wear today? What'd you do? You know? Just silly stuff, but we just have that close, close connection. It's always been that way and I I was that way with my mother, so I can see that continuing with us and that way, there's no, there's no big breaks in in our relationship. So, like I said, god bless WhatsApp.

Speaker 4: 9:49

How about you, sharon? I feel exactly the same. It goes both ways. We really are so interested in each other's lives. We're so happy or sad. When we're all happy or sad, we have this fam thread that gets a comment every day. We speak all the time together and my daughter with our first grandchild, has been so generous and calls every morning with the baby so that she recognizes our faces, and it's really a lovely, lovely thing, and we are so thrilled about the ability to do that digitally.

Speaker 2: 10:29

Really, young adults. Now you're talking to someone who really doesn't have that close connection with their child. They're connected. They speak maybe once a week, once every two weeks. They love each other very, very much but would like to, you know, increase that bond. What sorts of you know, ideas or talking points or things they can bring up that don't sound judgmental or questioning or intrusive? That may open the door for some of these parents.

Speaker 4: 11:07

I have to admit it starts early and one of the things that my girls and my husband and I have talked about is how we prioritized eating as many meals, or especially dinner, together and those times that were prescribed and expected always always allowed for conversation. And because of the things that we were involved with in our work and in our volunteer lives, my husband and I we brought up tab. You know subject matter that may have been, may have been uncomfortable or taboo in other places, but we really were able to talk to them at relatively young ages about different things and they appreciate that now very much. And that's some of the starting blocks for when you're together, where everybody gets asked how their day was. What was the best part? What was the worst part? Is there anything special or sad that they wanted to share? And that was really the seeds for where we are now.

Speaker 2: 12:10

I agree, Sharon. I love where you said what was the happiest or saddest part that you'd like to share, and saying that with a nonjudgmental tone and a really interested and empathetic tone or excited tone for the happy part, Go ahead.

Speaker 3: 12:23

Doria. Oh, I just want to say my family is Greek and food is everything. So it was exactly the same thing in our house Lots of conversation, lots of discussion, lots of fun, but also lots of serious things were discussed at the dinner table, and food is still unimportant, I have to tell you. My one daughter calls me and she says Mom, can you walk me through how to make your salad dressing? So we're on the phone, talking about food, talking about things, and we're making salad dressing together. Or I even know two of my daughters. They cook together during the pandemic. So really finding those little minutiae of life that is so important it doesn't have to be big major topics about how's that job going and are you able to pay your bills or things like that, although those are important but also just the little things how are you feeling today? And with girls are like mom, what are you wearing? So just touching base and we're all alive right now and just make the moment special, even if it's a two minute phone call, make it happy and special.

Speaker 2: 13:45

I really love that. I love that. Okay, so we've talked about so many positive things, but if you had to guess, what are the things about you that might drive your young adult children crazy?

Speaker 4: 13:58

How long do we have?

Speaker 5: 14:13

so I started realizing when I was becoming an adult and a more capable human being that we as kids see our parents as adults so much faster than our parents see us as adults.

Speaker 5: 14:26

Our parents see us as adults. And that misalignment can be really annoying, because I think becoming an adult is a lot of fun. You know, you're figuring out how to do things, you're not having to ask questions of your parents all the time and yet at the same time your parents are giving you advice all the time. So I think really the things that might bother me about my parents sometimes is when they're being so well-intentioned but they might be treating me like I'm maybe a decade younger. You know, checking in on have I brought my car for an oil change? Have I done my taxes? How are finances going? You know things that it's just they have a hard time seeing us kids as adults and maybe not needing them as much. So that drives me crazy. But really what bothers me the most is when it turns out they do in fact still know more than me on a lot of things.

Speaker 3: 15:38

Well, I have to say it's different for each child. It's different for each child because I could ask the most you know innocuous little question of one child and then another one would take, you know, umbrage with it, but I think it. You know, I definitely could come up with things that would irritate each child and I really try not to go there. It mostly has to do with personality differences and you know, my kids tell me they admire my strength and things that have happened in my life, some losses and things like that. So we I feel like we know each other well enough to not try to go there, although if there is something big I feel like there's no subject that is taboo that we could talk about it. But yes, you kind of have to read the room and read the kid Interesting.

Speaker 2: 16:39

That's a good, that's really good. Yep, how about you, sharon?

Speaker 4: 16:45

I'm going to go with what they admire about me first, okay, but they know I've got opinions, but they appreciate the fact that I've evolved and we've come to a really healthy place for many opinions and a willingness to talk about all sorts of things.

Speaker 4: 17:07

But I would think I actually, in part of this discourse that we have in conversation, one of the things that has driven them crazy and that we've talked about and that they've grown from and I've grown from, is I was raised in a culture where being nice was everything being being um, oh, I don't always. I don't want to say submissive exactly, but but definitely not on this planet to offend anyone, right. And I think what they've taught me from some of the frustration of that education at home was that they actually, not only being biracial but also being women, their voice counts a lot outside our home. It counts tons in our home, but outside I really wanted them to be the example of the way I was raised, guess, but it is something that I know annoys them periodically when I'm saying, oh, were you nice.

Speaker 2: 18:37

And I want to make a note that Sharon is a first generation Chinese American. Right, sharon, is that right, yeah, yeah. So, um, we have two very ethnic ladies with me today.

Speaker 4: 18:49

Um, so it's been. It's been interesting to to be so proud of them finding their own voices and yet at the same time, going wait, is that, was that too aggressive? And they'll say, no, that's how I got my raise, or that's how I got my job and I'm good at it, or I'm funny, and those are not things I would say for myself. So the whole thing in terms of annoyance is a compliment to the way that they've come through this. They've been very nice to me about it, thank goodness.

Speaker 2: 19:29

But it doesn't matter. That makes perfect sense. That's a really. That's wonderful, Sharon, Thank you. What role do your spouses play, Dori? I'll move to you, since Sharon just finished. It's a team effort that keeps these relationships healthy, I assume. So what role does your spouse play? I happen to know Doria's spouse quite well and think of him as a big kid, but I'd like to know from you, Doria, what role your spouse plays Well.

Speaker 3: 19:56

I believe the best way to put that is that my husband, my girl's father and I share a lot of the same values. We, you know, we both have the same moral compasses and that we've tried to, you know, pass along to our kids. But that's where the likeness ends. We are, we are completely different people. We have completely different passions. He's the fun one taking them out, doing all these fun things that, gosh, let's jump out of an airplane, let's go do this and that. And I'm the one saying, you know, I wonder if we pulled our cover over this way, if it would make our bed look nicer when we made it. So the way these kids have grown up has been very diverse, but I do believe that it worked and they're very close to their dad. I'm very blessed to have had a partner that was truly 50-50 in the raising of my kids. So that's my story.

Speaker 2: 21:03

And Sharon.

Speaker 4: 21:04

I feel just as fortunate I really do. He is a model of hard work, as we both are in our own ways. He loves his girls. There's no, there's just no question. He's calmer than I am, much calmer than I am. I sort of established the crafting and studying and dance and play at home. I coached their soccer team, so it was a little serious tone there even though we were running around and having a lot of fun. But my teammate has been taught them to bicycle, to play tennis and did the whole skiing thing. Especially important was he taught them how to drive. That's where the calm was, because that would not have been good, because I still clench when he's driving. So you're kind of getting the idea of how the divisions of some of the work went. But we definitely were a team and only a couple of times pretty substantial, maybe like a piercing, did somebody get away with pitting us against one another, as it were. So, other than that, I feel exactly the same way, doria. We were really fortunate to have roommates.

Speaker 6: 22:31

So my mom does a lot of things super well, but one thing that I'm very grateful for is how interested she always is in the things I'm most passionate about. She's always willing to dive deep and get very technical in topics that I know she really doesn't have much of a background or understanding in. But she's really good at asking questions and, you know, allowing me to just converse with her about the things I care deeply for. You know, I think this is a rarity in the world and it's something really special when you're able to share that connection with your mom, and she's always been a superstar at cultivating that sort of relationship.

Speaker 2: 23:13

Do the spouses ask the tougher questions?

Speaker 3: 23:17

I think Tom was always a little wary of girl issues. He would run it by me. But you know, as far as things like their finances or figuring out when their tires need to be rotated or things like that, he was always the one that they turned to for that. But no, I think I got the tough questions and I think when you come out of a generation being raised by parents that were raised by Europeans and a traditional family, my kids ask me and talk to me about everything, whether or not I'm ready for it, very open and I have to admit sometimes that's hard. I have to make sure that I am moving with the times but true to myself and being authentic. So I think I get the tougher questions for sure.

Speaker 4: 24:55

I completely agree, doria. I really feel like I've gotten the tougher questions, and one part that I've made a conscious effort of is to be sure and share those with my husband at times, so that he's not completely blindsided by not understanding what they're upset about. We've had a couple of those incidences where he doesn't care about anything and I said, oh my gosh, he doesn't know anything. That's one thing that I do recommend sharing with spouses, teammates. Parenting is information, and communication still is the key.

Speaker 2: 25:36

But if you're asked to keep it confidential, do you I?

Speaker 3: 25:41

usually use some judgment there. You know, I can trust my husband if I tell him not to tell him, not to mention it to the girls, but sometimes I feel like he needs to be in the loop a little bit. So and they probably know I tell them Right, right, right, Sometimes it's you tell dad, mom, I can't tell them Quite honestly.

Speaker 4: 26:05

the answer to that is I'm not asked that that much.

Speaker 2: 26:09

Oh, that's so funny. Both of you have had harmonious and warm, open relationships with your mothers and I've watched those relationships. I feel like I've been privy to them. What do you think you learned from your mother that makes you a better parent of an adult child? Sharon, you start this time.

Speaker 4: 26:29

She was 45 years old and left with six children to raise alone after my father passed away. She had kids aged 21 to 20 months and he just exuded kindness and dignity in everything that that she did, and I am forever grateful for that. She just has this strength of will to make life good. The life experience that she's had is unbelievable from her war experiences to moving to a new country, to having all of these kids and having her spouse die my beloved father. But she is one of the most positive people you'll ever meet. It amazes me still. It just amazes me. So that's what I take from her is the love and positivity.

Speaker 2: 27:28

The positivity. I want everyone to hold on to that word, because I think that also mirrors the joy. It's that positivity that I hope all of us can work on bringing to our relationships. Okay, Doria, I knew your mother very well and she brought joy to so many people.

Speaker 3: 27:45

My mother had a lot of setbacks in her life, a lot of loss setbacks in her life, a lot of loss Growing up during the depression and having immigrant parents. She had six children. Money was always tight, but I'm sitting here telling you that my childhood was magical. Somehow my mother made each of us kids feel like we were the most special, unique, perfect people in the world. Everything we did she cheered us on. She also was very let us be independent too and make our own decisions.

Speaker 3: 28:29

I think what she left me with was treat other people the way you would like to be treated. That was her credo and she always would say I want to be better, not bitter, in any type of situation that we came upon. And I just felt she loved being a mother and she loved us unconditionally. And when I had kids I was able to pass that along, and just the more I'm in the world, I realize what a true, true blessing it is to have a wonderful mother and we can all strive to be that example for our children. Example for our children, and I think being present and being kind and unconditional love those are the things that she brought to me and that I hope I've passed on.

Speaker 4: 29:21

Could I share a real quick story.

Speaker 2: 29:31

Absolutely. Sharon has a very, very low voice, so we really want to hear from her. So I'm going to ask you, sharon, to use your outside voice. Okay, I'm going to use my outside voice.

Speaker 4: 29:39

I do tend to get quieter and quieter as I speak more. But my children were in elementary school and my mother came to visit. The twins were kindergarten. But it was one of those lives where soccer had occurred in the morning and a dance class for the twins was coming up and somebody had an overnight.

Speaker 4: 30:03

So we were in the car with my mother at least four or five times, maybe six, that day, and all I could think of was oh my gosh, she must think this is crazy, because we spent all our time outside in the backyard playing at this age. We weren't driven to all of these different places. And she turned to me at a stop sign and I'll never forget this and I hope I don't break out Turned to me and she said you are a wonderful mother. She said Because I don't understand these times because we did it so differently but you are doing a great job with your children. I am so delighted I know we'll talk about this a little later, but I am so delighted to be a grandmother to be able to tell my children that someday.

Speaker 2: 30:59

Interesting. So she could have turned to you and said I'm tired of being in this car, why aren't your kids playing outside? We never did any of this, and instead she validated who you were as a parent.

Speaker 4: 31:11

Every crazy thing I was doing, and that's exactly the. That's actually what was in my mind was she's going to criticize what was happening that day, because the children didn't seem to actually be running and playing or outside at all, but instead she supported me.

Speaker 2: 31:31

That's amazing, lovely, wonderful, wonderful story, sharon, wonderful story. I will hold both of those. I think from Doria I will hear better, not bitter, I will hold that. And from Sharon I will hold if I ever become a grandmother and will tell my children what wonderful parents they are, because we know they are. Even though times have changed, they have the love that we shared with them through their lives. So pull back from what we know and validate them for who they are.

Speaker 7: 32:02

So I'm newly engaged and one thing that bugs me about my mom and something that she was even doing when I was very, very single would be starting to ask me when I was going to have children, and now that I'm engaged, she is asking me that question even more, so that kind of bugs me. And then one thing that I absolutely love about my mom is that she is my biggest cheerleader, she's my biggest fan, and she always gives me the best, most sound advice, and even if I don't follow that advice and I make my own decisions and, you know, even if they are the wrong decision, she's always there to support me and help me through it, and I love her.

Speaker 2: 33:14

OK, so both of you have adult children who are married. Okay, so both of you have adult children who are married. We recently interviewed a wedding therapist and that episode will actually drop after this one, but it's already been recorded. What would your top three or two pieces of advice be for adult parents entering that wedding planning stage?

Speaker 3: 33:33

Well, I happen to know Sharon has some wonderful ideas. We, just five years ago, went through a very joyous occasion and I just I'd like to tell everyone out there it's not easy bringing two families together together. Two families might have different spiritual orientations, might have different ideas, but I learned early to just be open, be supportive, you know, and it's their special day. I think kids today they know what they want. They want it to be their own, they want it to be something very unique and something personal. Being married in the Greek Orthodox Church was not that experience for me, so I really, just I honestly I enjoyed watching different ideas and the different things they had, and they did it together, which I just thought was so fun. So I think, my point being just to be open and be supportive, you know, even if it's the letting go of the balloons or the birds or the, whatever people do these days, you know it's different, it's fun, you know. But just be joyful with them instead of trying to micromanage. That's my, that's my idea.

Speaker 2: 34:58

It sounds like you bit your tongue quite a bit.

Speaker 3: 35:02

You know I, to be honest with you, I was biting my tongue more for the generation before me out of respect. You know they had ideas and religious kind of situations and yeah, and we had to, really I had to explain a lot of that to the other generation and it was a little tricky. I'll be honest, we, you know, we're a loving family and we worked it through and we discussed it and everything worked out really well. But just know there's going to be issues. With love and patience you can get through it.

Speaker 2: 35:44

And better and not bitter right. Okay, sharon, speak loudly Okay here we go.

Speaker 4: 35:53

It's a bringing together of yourselves, what we've told our kids. It's a bringing together of yourselves and your communities. These two families are coming together, and we know more and more you don't do it all by yourself. You want that community to understand that they're so thrilled to be a part of the commitment that they're making to one another. So allow that for yourselves.

Speaker 4: 36:22

And then, in developing your family, your little family, to a larger family, you get to define, just like what Dory was talking about. They get to define who their family is going to be, including their blood, family and friends and all sorts of people that can support them through this life together as parents, as any other capacity. So one of the things that you know, besides remembering that you're bringing your communities together and that you're developing this family for yourselves, is we really strongly believe in the whole idea of some sort of premarital counseling, whether it be with an organization of faith that you may be involved with, or a professional marriage counselor or anything. It's just really nice to be able to talk to an uninvested person, as it were, about issues of finances or your love language or what the expectations of parenthood or parents are, and that's three of the things that we think about when our kids get married.

Speaker 2: 37:38

I think that's a really, really great idea. I think you know sometimes people think counseling is for when you're having problems. Oh, why are they going to counseling? But really counseling can also be for building a stronger, better understanding and forward-marching relationship Am.

Speaker 2: 37:57

I saying that properly for you. I don't want to take words from your mouth. You put it much better. I don't think so. We're going to go into something that everyone asks me about, and when I started my podcast, I would say that the majority of parents who emailed me to ask me what topics should be covered, this one came up all the time how to give advice. How do you give advice and refrain from being judgmental? Do you give advice that's not wanted or that is not asked for? Do you wait to be asked? How do you deal with things when you see things going awry or things that you you know really need to be addressed, but aren't sure how to give that advice?

Speaker 3: 38:41

Well, you know, denise, I think that, in a nutshell, my children come to me for comfort. They come to me out of excitement to tell me things that are happening, or they come to me telling me things are funny. I love those parts, I love the joy in all of that. I love the people they've become. I love to celebrate things with them. But when they come to me and directly ask me questions in my advice, I feel kind of a reverence that they're coming to me and I'm honored that they're asking me and I really really try to stop and think before I answer and I try very hard to see it from their way. And you know, I find myself saying silly things. Well, from where I'm standing at 62, this, you know this and this and this and this, but I really don't find myself ever saying you should do this or you'd be better off if you do this.

Speaker 3: 39:50

I feel like my role at this time in my life with my adult children is more of a supportive role and a comfort role it's. You know they're in charge of their lives, they're all financially independent, they're doing their thing. If I saw something very destructive or you know something happening in their life, I would be the first one to bring it up, but I really trust them and I really know them well enough to know what they're going through and it's not a big issue. Now they might say something different and I have blundered. Trust me, I've blundered and we always end up laughing or crying about it the next day. But it's always discussed. I would say most of the time it's more just of a supportive role.

Speaker 2: 40:42

So yeah, good, thank you, I love that, doria.

Speaker 4: 40:46

Sharon, I freely give my opinion, but I try very hard not to have the opinion feel like a judgment, not to have the opinion feel like a judgment. The difference is this is what I think about it. What do you think about it? And that's the most important part to me is I have all sorts of opinions on all sorts of things colors and lighters, any sorts of things but I think there's really a distinct difference between passing on a judgment of your behavior and an opinion about what you see. And it's a hard exercise and you got to start young in terms of letting go of telling them all the time what to do, but kind of giving options and choices. And they've made good ones. And I'm with Doria. We have talked about almost everything and anything for a long time, you know, starting with body training and what they felt, so getting into some of the harder issues. And there are times, without question, I say to myself zip it.

Speaker 2: 42:04

Wait a minute, don't you say bite your tongue.

Speaker 4: 42:08

I'm sorry, I say bite my tongue. Come on Sharon we got to market this. My mother once told me that she would try and put a smile on her face before she told me something I wasn't going to like to hear Interesting.

Speaker 2: 42:32

Well, and I really liked your follow up. You know, here's what I think. What do you think? Because it sort of brings down your opinion and raises up theirs, and I really liked your follow up. You know, here's what I think. What do you think? Because it sort of brings down your opinion and raises up theirs, and I really like that. That's terrific.

Speaker 8: 42:45

Oh man, I think the thing that bugs me the most about my mom is her lack of trusting me to make my own decisions, even though I'm a grown adult. Me to make my own decisions, even though I'm a grown adult. That being said, my favorite thing about my mom is that she has my back, whether I make the right decision or the wrong decision, and even more so when I make the wrong decision, she's always there to help me out.

Speaker 2: 43:12

All right, you guys are so wonderful. We're going to move to grandparenting, because both of you are grandparents I am not, so I'm so anxious to hear what you have to say, and I know both of you are highly engaged in the lives of your grandchildren. Doria has a grandson locally, so I'm going to start with Doria. You were a preschool teacher. You know so much about raising children. Do you have to bite your tongue all the time? How do you often offer parenting advice without sounding critical or judgmental? Or you just don't do it. I have a friend who once told me and I think she's a terrific mother too and the new thing when her child had their first baby was no pacifiers. So they were running around with their finger in the child's mouth all the time and my friend kept saying, oh, he needs to suck, he needs to suck, but she had to bite her tongue. So how do you deal with things?

Speaker 3: 44:05

like that In my situation, and this is just with this child and this first grandchild. I don't know how it's going to play out in the future, but I had two young people looking at me going help. Why is he crying? So it was different. They were asking me my opinion, they were begging opinion on things.

Speaker 3: 44:36

And you know it's, it's the delivery, it's the compassion that you use when you see things that you know you think, oh, I wouldn't do it that way.

Speaker 3: 44:48

You, you know, you have to bring it into the situation with a lot of love, with a lot of compassion for exhausted people and and just all of that I mean we really it really has been a joyful time.

Speaker 3: 45:06

You know, going through my background is early childhood development. So just watching this little beautiful spirit go through these different stages and do all these things that my, my daughters honestly never, never occurred to them to want to put anything and everything in the microwave, but you know it's, it's. It has been a wonderful experience for us. So I I just want to tell parents becoming grandparents, you know, I kind of heard people say in the past oh, grandparenting is great, you can just give the kids back at the end of the day and you don't have to worry about it, and in a way that's true there. I trust that these two young people are doing their best, but your heart never rests, you know, after that little one's in your life. But so I think, with this one opinion giving came very easy and and it doesn't always work, but we try.

Speaker 2: 46:15

Now. Now for Sharon. What I want to know is she has one granddaughter that lives in another state, and I know when the baby was being born, sharon lived with her daughter and son-in-law. I thought it was a month, but I think you said three months, sharon, two and a half, two and a half months. And I just wonder what advice do you have for parents? You know when they are staying with their daughter and their son-in-law, or you know you don't want to be. Oh my gosh, when's my mother-in-law leaving? Or, oh my gosh, how long is your mother staying? How can you make that a harmonious visit?

Speaker 4: 46:51

Well, I'm going to start out with my heart explodes when I think about being a grandmother to my little granddaughter, our little granddaughter. It is so much fun. It is so much fun and it is so humbling to watch my daughter and my son-in-law we call him son become parents. It is just a beautiful thing to think of your child being someone else's mommy. It's just a really fun, fun thing About living and visiting with them. For one thing, my son is a very, very kind and generous soul and knows, when you get involved with my daughters, along come their sisters and their parents. We know how close we are and they are generous to a fault in embracing us.

Speaker 4: 47:52

So that I give the shout out to my son-in-law. I was there to help and to support as much as I could, and when I wasn't doing the things that I knew would help them, I would ask them and then I would really give them as much space as I could. During the times when we weren't just active, because this was a little family that was trying to come into its own after the delivery, which was a little rough, and so there was a lot of all hands on deck were needed and appreciated. So the advice about visiting is don't take for granted that you're in their home. It's not my home, it's their home and it's the way they've got it set up and the way they're going to live it and it's marvelous. Just go in and say this is great. However, it is. How can I help and give them space?

Speaker 2: 48:50

That's terrific, really really terrific. I feel like I could talk to both of you for so long, but I'm going to have to start wrapping it up. Believe it or not, this has been one of my longest episodes, so I just I end every episode with asking my guests to give me two things that you think you would like our listeners to take away from this in parenting adult children. So, dori, I'm going to start with you Just two points that you hope they'll take away from today's episode.

Speaker 3: 49:20

I think the most important thing in our family and in my growing up and my raising children is, no matter how difficult the conversation is and we all have difficult conversations just make sure that the message of love and acceptance gets through, because no matter what age a child is, they need to feel safe, they need to feel valued, and we were blessed to have this job of being their parents and were always their parents. So don't forget that they need to be treated with love and respect every day, and it's amazing when you do that, the respect and the love comes back to you too.

Speaker 2: 50:09

Beautiful, beautiful.

Speaker 4: 50:10

Thanks, Doria, Sharon First we all fall and we can all be discouraged or struggle, and I just want us to remember to be kind to yourselves and to be kind to others and we, just we, as parents, continue to strive to consistently provide a loving and safe heart home. No matter where we are, our hearts are your home. And then the second part. My husband actually helped me with this. He said you know, as parents of adult children, we need to keep open to learning and being honest in our communication. And then my final thing is never, ever, ever, hesitate when given the chance to say I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.

Speaker 9: 50:59

A positive thing that my mom does that I love is she's very supportive. She's incredibly supportive of my career and believes so strongly in the work that I do and sees its value and its contribution to the world. I feel so honored and lucky. She's always there to support in any way that she can.

Speaker 2: 51:30

And it makes such a huge difference. Gosh, you guys, I just. This has been so wonderful and this is going to drop the day before Mother's Day, so I want to wish both of you, from the bottom of my heart, a wonderful, wonderful Mother's Day, and to your two daughters, who will also be celebrating Mother's Day, and also a special Mother's Day to all of my listeners. Thanks for joining us. Thank you all for joining us for this Mother's Day episode of Bite your Tongue. Mother's Day is tomorrow, as I said, so those of you who are mothers, I hope it's a special day. We have a lot more exciting episodes coming up In two weeks.

Speaker 2: 52:09

We speak with Allie Houston Lyons, a wedding therapist from Aisle Talk in New York City. We hope you'll tune in. And again. Therapist from Aisle Talk in New York City. We hope you'll tune in and again. If you're enjoying the podcast, please subscribe and give us five stars, follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter and remember we really do want to hear from you. Let us know what you thought of today's episode and give us some ideas on topics you'd like us to explore. Thanks again to Connie Fisher, our hardworking, ongoing audio engineer, and until next time. Remember, sometimes you may just have to bite your tongue.